They matter

  I sit here and watch all these young teens and see the struggle is not the school work it's calming the outside influences that make the head spin so much that they can't even think about the paper in front of them.  I remember these days.   

 The days where this person said that and oh no one not even the teacher had a clue what was going on at home.  The longing to hug them tell them to breathe and  know that if no one else is there to walk you through this i will be here.  I don't know what it is but I care.  I want them to know that they matter more than just a student they matter as a person who is struggling.  Who feels lost and alone.   

They matter!

The Trail of Grief : A grief letter

Does it ever end?   The trail started 22yrs ago as we said goodbye to my sister.  Through the years things have changed some years were easy some years were harder but all February 20th to 23rd seems to be high anxiety for me.
   It was about 8 yrs ago when I had to verbally tell Satan he had no hold on me these days after that they did seem better.  

   This past November I asked a friend that was going through her first holiday season after losing her dad if she would like to go to a Grief Share meeting it was a special session just for the holiday season.  We went and WOW 21 years later.  I now realized how my family all dealt with the holiday season different because of the way we grieved.  It was eye-opening to me.  The leader invited us back and gave us the book to go with the class.  I had just set it a side until the past few weeks when I was looking at returning to the class and as I opened it to the section we were going to be in I decided to go back a week so I would know that they had done the week before so that I could see what homework they might be reviewing.  There it was writing a letter to those near us about what we are experiencing, what we find comfort in, how they can comfort us, and the practical needs we have.  I was writing it out and thought this is a blog to share. I may be different than many others but here is an open letter to my support group 22yrs later how it still affects me.


Dear support team,
    Yes, it has been 22yrs ago since I lost my sister. I still have times of grief that hurt deep. These times truly have become fewer and easier to identify as moments of missing her or the way my family was. Even still When I cry it's not my weakness or lack of faith but a way to express the true love God has given me for one person that has impacted my life so deeply. They are also a way for me to heal and let my heart talk it out.
     My biggest trigger is still music. The words to a song like Amazing Grace "Was blind and now I see" my sister was blind the last 6+yrs of her life. and Yesterday during worship you may have seen me cry when the song mentioned a borrowed tomb and ashes. This was because I could clearly see her in the borrowed coffin at the funeral but knew that I held her ashes as we spread them years later.  The images that come back in my mind so vivid and real will make my eyes well in love and hurt at the same time. Whether it's of the Christmas morning tradition I had of opening stockings with her.  When the song I walked in to on tv when we went to tell my cousins and one was doing the dishes and dropped the plate at the site of us knowing what he was about to be told. These are all little triggers that will bring my heart to moments of broken not knowing what to feel. The want to feel the love of the person I miss and still wanting to just hold her hand or see her live out a normal life.

   One thing that I used to struggle within the beginning was the why but later as the years have passed I see that it is good even in my hurting.   I have been able to walk alongside others that have lost. I have been able to hug a man almost twice my age as he cried out loud saying "You know what it's like." his situation was so different but we have been able to connect in ways we never had before. I have jumped in the car and driven over to a friends house and just sat as she could only cry into the phone "He is gone"  Grief is not something you can understand even if you have been through it it's different for us all.   I have been given peace in the fact that it was my sisters' death is what has given me salvation. Yes to some of you that may not seem like a good thing but if you have not received the true salvation of the Lord this is a difficult concept for you to grasp.  It was a story that started a few weeks prior to my sisters passing but it truly brought me to a place that God made it clear that he is real and I couldn't deny what I went through those few weeks. I have never seen his hand in my life so clearly.
  Thank you for caring,
         Aliza Anderson

That was the letter i wrote but there is so much more to the trail of grief than just that.
    The other thing that has been hard for me is knowing that my sister was taken away long before she left her earthly body there is a different grief process because each time we do Christmas as a family someone will mention what would it be like if She was there. My family often says something like "Would she have had kids? How many?  Would she live close or far?". To me, this is not where my mind goes. I know even those that lose parents to Dementia and Alzheimers go through the grief of losing them before they were gone and the grief of seeing others have parents clear-minded to the day they leave this earth and those are hard losses that can grieve very differently.

My prayer for you whether you are on the grief trail with me or you are the one coming alongside someone on that trail.  I pray that God will give you just what you need today to reach out to those who are hurting.  Whether it is sharing your pain or it's just sitting quite listening or just being. You really don't need to say anything no matter what side of the grief you are on.

Do you control your hurt feelings?

I am learning that no one can hurt my feelings! What did you read that right yes, you did.  I have full control over personalizing this feeling or what they said, or I can look at it as this is another person's opinion or choice.  I spent a few days with my parents and realized that I could take all the things that were said about my one parent by the other parent and personalize them as you can tell I side more with the one than the other. I can hold onto the hurt towards my one parent and the sadness that brought me towards how my other parent was being treated bt; in the end, I needed to realize that both emotions are things I can choose to hold onto or things I let go of.  This story is not to belittle my parents, but one of the more recent events that I could use to demonstrate the meaning behind what I am trying to convey.  
Like the fact that my daughter is feeling hurt, and I could choose to feel pitty and try to change the situation for her, but that would not help her realize this earlier than what I am.   I hope this is starting to make sense as we look deeper into how I was hurt by and acholic parent I can see that I can hold on to the past hurt or I can choose to let go forgive and continue to do so as long as it continues to happen. It's my choice to want something different and be sad because of their choices, or it can be my choice to enjoy the time that we have, whether they are sober or not sober.  It's not something I am good at yet, and to be honest, it feels like it could be forever before I figure this out.  I have a house full of other people that I always want to say he or she made me feel this way, but that's not true. I chose to let them influence me daily.  I can choose to dwell on something that is not the way I like it, or I can change how I look at it and find something that I love and move on to do what I want and what will make me happy. Really I have not totally figured that one out yet either. If you live to be satisfied because of what others do for you for 30 some years, it's hard to figure out what it is that makes you feel happy on your own. Yes, I will not always be satisfied, but it's the fact that I can find a way to enjoy things on my own and with the knowledge that God is where my value is. He is the one who I know will always look at me and say, "I made you I created you before your you felt unworthy I knew you were worthy of more than you will ever think you are worthy of."  He feels this way for you too.
My challenge for you is to ask yourself, what is the one thing that you want to know is true about yourself in a year that you don't believe today?
Mine was that I can overcome the things that have held me back from encouraging others because I hear voices from my past saying I am not good enough.  I want to be confident and hearing the voice saying I am proud of you for...  These same words were spoken by the same person, but I hold onto you can't do that because of these statements more than the positive ones.  Why is this that we do that? I hope to dig deeper into that next time as this is what I am looking into because I like to know the why so that I can figure out how to change it.  For now, I am going to let you ponder these thoughts in what
it is you want to overcome to be a better you in the years to come.

Make me more like Jesus

Oh, what a week it has been I have learned so much about myself my daughter and a few other important people in our lives.  We were and are still hurt by some of the things that happened.  I was just washing the dishes and realized that there are people that could look at the way I handled this as odd or wrong even.  My daughter has been punished for something she had no control over and I am the one to blame for the punishment.  Yet Monday night and last night I talked with the offender still hurt but civil and it dawned on me today this is how God feels.  We often do things that hurt him and yet he is still there he doesn't throw us out never accepting us again.  I thought for a bit that this is how Jesus feels but I have not been as loving or forgiving like Jesus.
I still hurt and the offender will not see the tears that stream down my dad and his granddaughters face when shows up tonight.  because he came to support her through her race. Then her and I both need the emotional support of him being there when she is sitting out a race because of my actions more than we would if she ran tomorrow night.  Wow even as I write this I am seeing more ways God is so in this.  As her mom I want her to see her value as a person is not the races she runs but the way she responds to others and how she handles being able to know when she needs self-care moments.  We are hurt by those around us those we love deeply and we want to see them get what they deserve but then we must sit back and love like Jesus and forgive and care as he did to so many that wronged him in his time and in the end I pray that both my daughter and I can come out of this more like Jesus. Loving, kindly and not holding onto the hurt that is angering us like the Israelites did.
This is petty I know compared to other things that we deal with in life but to a 16yr old it's helping her see where her values lay vs those around her.

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
     
      I guess today my prayer is that you all pray for me and yourselves that we can forgive others not just for the little hurts but the big hurts too. I know this is easier said than done but may the Glory of this week go to God as we have strengthened our family ties over the pain. May you too see that God will show up in the midst of the hard things when you look for him. Aman

Minimalism, is it for me?

       It was profound and hit me like a brick.  We as Christians have heard the verses before. As I watch the UPS truck roll in my driveway with one more order off amazon.com.  I am choosing to write about minimalism. Yes, this girl has finally done it; chosen to jump on the bandwagon.  No! I am not going to be one of those that do it the whole white walls only or each person in our house can only own 100things.  I am going to be the girl that realized today this is the next path that I need to take to get our family healthy.  We seem to be balancing out our food as medicine area most days.  Now it's time to get the physical space we live in decluttered and eliminate some of the stressors in it.   One of the ways to eliminate stress is having a clean environment and for me, that means less stuff.  Another way is to eliminate spending and knowing exactly what we have will eliminate me from buying repeat things; as many of you may also do. Why now?  I have been wanting to do it for a long time but the Konmari method was truly not for me. I was watching; Yes, Justin Rhodes (we watched his homesteading channel almost daily for a while.) when I came across The Minimal Mom last week she was at the Rhodes to help "The Beautiful One" organize her house.  She led me to some other videos or autoplay YouTube did as I was cleaning. One being Joshua Beckers talk "Minimalist, Spirituality, and Why it Matters" He referenced these verses.

Luke 3:10-11 English Standard Version (ESV)

10 And the crowds asked him, “What then shall we do?” 11 And he answered them, “Whoever has two tunics[a] is to share with him who has none, and whoever has food is to do likewise.” 12 Tax collectors also came to be baptized and said to him, “Teacher, what shall we do?” 13 And he said to them, “Collect no more than you are authorized to do.” 14 Soldiers also asked him, “And we, what shall we do?” And he said to them, “Do not extort money from anyone by threats or by false accusation, and be content with your wages.”

Do I have extra that could go to those in need? YES!!  Do I collect more than I need(not money but stuff)? YES!!  Do I live just waiting for the next job or paycheck not content with our wages? Yes!!  

Oh Lord! Help me to see with your eyes my greed. Show me the things that I strive for that are just worldly longings of my heart and not your desire for me. Help me to teach my children to do the same. Romans 12:2 "Do not conform to the ways of the world but be transformed by the renewing of your own mind." I am now convicted of following the ways of the world in my lifestyle habits and want to change. Heelp me to have the strength and wisdom to do so. In Jesus name, I pray amen.

   It hit me as Joshua talked in the above video, that yes, I was worshiping stuff just as most Americans and other people that are not in a third world country do.  I immediately took action; nothing big, I opened a cupboard that I knew there was little attachment to the things inside. Well, it happened to be that there was my first ever recipe box I got as a wedding gift shoved in the back.  Deep sigh, but then I thought well we eat Paleo lets see what recipes even still apply to our family.  I pulled out the three that we could eat still and put them in the current cookbook bin. This was not so bad but then there were a few that my mom had always made, what do I do with those? What if we return to the S.A.D. way of eating?   At this point, those recipes are in two or maybe even three of the recipe books I have I don't need them on these cards. I picked up the box and tossed it in the trash. Oh, but you got that as a gift one might say. Yep, we did but from who I don't know. It would have been harder if it was my grandma's old recipe box as I am typing I can imagen my fingers running over the grooves of the fake wood looking outside of the box that I would have struggled to toss.  I know there are a few items that I am dreading getting to like my Grandpa's candy dish that I thought I would use but it has just sat and collected dust but that will be when I get to the dining room.

The two containers I started with that were
overflowing now down to one donation bin.

   Then I clicked back to Dawn's channel and watched Simplify your child's wardrobe in 10 min trick!  I grabbed my laptop and ran upstairs; literally.  This is something I usually do skipping one step at a time.  I dumped my clothes on my bed knowing 90% of my clothes were clean. they had filled two different containers that sat next to my bed for the past few days. I used the green tote as the donate bin.  Then I started picking up clothes and throwing the ones I knew I didn't wear often in the bin.  The skinny jeans that were in last year and I always hated wearing but I had to have them because that was the style GONE!  Next, I pulled out my must keeps comfy PJ bottoms.  For me, the only good reason to buy exercise pants was to sleep in them.  Then my favorite tee shirts went in their cubby and I tossed the ones that were way to beat up I don't even bring them with to my parents for PJ tops anymore.  Now you wonder why is she going through this detail by detail because these were the easy decisions then came the hard ones the sweatshirts you see the theme here not once have I mentioned dress clothes well that's because as a primarily stay at home mom with a photography business I wear casual jeans and a decent shirt to my sessions. Weddings I have 2 long dresses and 2 knee-length dresses I can choose from I don't think with just 4 dresses I need to get rid of any more at this point.  

The trash stained and broken zipper pile.

   Back to the sweatshirts, Humm, I love a good cozy sweatshirt! Really only had 3 old stained with holes in them sweatshirts in my pile and one zip down; which I hate zip downs. I do have one black one for the kids sporting events as they run and it can go from 80 to 60 degrees at any one given event in the spring or fall for track and cross country. By the way, one of my girls must have stolen that because it's not here.   Then I was left with the everyday shirts that are good enough to wear out or just have on around the house.  This was my hardest part as I have a stack of these tops but wanted to get down to 5.  I eliminated odd color long sleeve shirts to go under my sweaters I just never really wear colors under them anyway. Then  I would look at two that were similar and decide which one I liked better (this is how I edit photos).  Oh my, What was I thinking there were 6 exactly the same tank for under my everyday shirts. I tossed 4 of them in the bin leaving 2 as I may need a second one if I spill on my way out the door.
   Well overall you get the gist of how this went and yes the undergarments went strictly by comfort.  I am a no-nonsense kind of gal I guess if it was not comfortable I won't wear it so I got rid of it.  Today I made some simple or not so simple steps to declutter our life, I hope these two things I started with will help you take your first step as well.  If you have any tips or tricks or just words of encouragement or if you are encouraged to start please leave me a comment below. 

I hope you take the above prayer into your heart today as well, God Bless until next time.

All I have left.  Top bins undergarments and tanks,
top shelves my tops, the second row is jeans, pjs and dresses.

Healing Hurts

    It's not easy to admit you need to be healed.  It's not easy to be wholly honest and open.  The storm clouds are coming in this season for me but the sunrise to follow will be woth it all. 
  For more than 20 yrs I have not looked at it as a problem I could fix. This past few years it has been something that I have slowly opened my eyes to.  The pain and hurt of not only losing my sister when she passed in 1998 but the fact that I lost my mom that day as well.  I never understood it as a child why she would just run off to her brothers and not come home until I had cried myself to sleep.  Now just in the past few months, I realized what was happening she was trying to hide it from us.  The pain she was dealing with was overwhelming and she had found her way of coping.  I remember that first Christmas wanting to put up the Christmas tree but she said "There will be no Christmas this year there is no point without Mandy" I honestly couldn't tell you what we did for Christmas that year. I am guessing we still had a tree dad and I probably got it and I decorated it by myself.  I don't remember much about what her and I had for a relationship over the next few years other than that she missed all of the important moments. Graduation photos, my one home run in a state softball game because her love for other things had drawn her away.  I remember being the only girl on the team that didn't have a parent at our softball game that I got hit in the elbow by a pitch I drove myself home and dad took me in the urgent care when he finished up chores.  

   I don't write this out of a place looking for sympathy but an honest place of a child with a parent that chooses a substance over you.  If this is similar to your story I want you to know that you are not alone and there is healing.  I am just starting this journey of cutting into 20+ years of not thinking I am good enough for my mom the one who carried me for 9 months inside her. I am trying to fathom that the lies she has told me through the years are not where my value is placed.  The steps to come to the realization that I am able to overcome this pain still seem daunting.  God has put me now in a  group of people to guide me through and remind me he was my true creator and parent. As I prepare to dig into the biggest hole filled with the hurt I am going to try to respectfully share this process.  Healing myself first and praying that God can and will do the ultimate healing of our relationship.  I had a dear friend pray over me about this topic and that night was the first time I remember my mom truly taking interest in what I do. She apologizing for never knowing the amount of work it takes to do my job.  God is good even in this pain because let me tell you I am only 1.5 chapters into the book on the healing process and it has pulled up so much past hurt I didn't realize was there.  I have my first counselor appointment in 2.5 weeks and from there it will begin another level I am sure.  I have been looking at these verses as they keep coming back to me. 


Romans 8:18-23 New International Version (NIV)Present Suffering and Future Glory

18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19 For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. 20 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21 that[a] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies.

My prayer for you today is to be willing to let God bring out the hurt so that the healing of relationships can be restored.  That you will find his love overflowing into your hurt and that its flowing water will be like salt as the pain comes so will the healing. May God bless you today!

I really want a LARGE blizzard!

    We started our journey of cutting out sugar, dairy, and gluten in January of 2018.  There is a YouTube video on the story behind that. In the year and a half, it has helped so much with anxiety, fatigue, stomach pain and so much more.  Then why do I struggle so much still? It's not normal that's why. Yesterday we spent the day at the water park with our kid's friends. We packed a cooler full of food that fits into the whole30 category and we stayed on top of it all day but today I just want an M&M blizzard! Not even my usual mini I want a LARGE!!! Really I need to learn to deal with this but it doesn't seem to get easier with time. To be completely honest some times its harder because you think oh our friends know that we eat this way. In the end,

it gets harder to hear everyone say "I couldn't do it." Then you think twice "Can I really do this any longer?"  The whole thing gets in your head and you think well no one else cares what they eat why are we trying to do this but I happen to get some sugar the other day by accident and wow the emotional rollercoaster it sent me on was outrageous. 
Eating healthy is not just for looks it's not just to be better than the next guy it's to know what isn't good for you emotionally, physically or spiritually. I have changed in all three of those aspects in the past year and a half. 
God has to lead me to amazing people and helped me find a new lifestyle that truly has been a blessing that as I write this post I grew thankful for this way of life thankful for the healing and thankful for those of you who are new in my life because of the journey.  Really, in the end, it has been much more about the journey than the food.

My God leads you on a journey of blessings in a way that helps you heal physically, spiritually and emotionally.